Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Rules of "Mine"


All residents of and visitors to this residence (henceforth referred to as "the house") are encouraged to read the following and to retain this sheet for future reference. In the event that a resident of the house is too young to read, he will be yelled and/or screamed at without restraint or mercy until the Rules of Mine are understood and obeyed.

Simon wishes to make known to all (and especially Ike) the following information about various items contained in the house:

1. a) The living room couch, should Simon be occupying any place on or around it, belongs to him. Any attempt to approach, look at, or touch said couch will result in ear-piercing shrieks of "NOOOO, IKE! IS SIMON'S COOOOUUUUCH!"

b) While Simon is in possession of Simon's Couch, Ike shall not approach or touch the associated coffee table. Such attempts or actions are punishable by screams of "NOOOO, IKE! DON'T TOUCH SIMON'S TAAAAABLE!"

2. The house rules state that any toys kept in the living room are for sharing. Simon hereby reserves the right to override this rule at any time, but especially when he is tired and/or cranky. Notice shall be given in shriek form: "NOOOOOO, IKE! DAT'S SIMON'S TOOOOOY!"

3. a) In the event that the television is on, Simon assumes full control ("Mine-ness") of all audio and/or visual output. Should Simon be in a bad mood, Ike will be notified immediately. "IIIIIKE! NO, IKE! NO WATCHIN' SIMON'S MOOOOOVIEEEEE!"

b) No attempts shall be made by anyone to sing or dance along with any movie or television program. Doing so will result in dirty looks and/or requests such as "No, Mommy! No dancin', Mommy!" or, "IKE! You no dance! It's SIMON'S movie!"

4. In the event that Simon decides to share his stuff, the recipient of such offer is required to accept this offer. Should the recipient is not interested in the particular toy or object being offered, Simon shall continue to press it into the recipient's hands or, if that fails, shall whack him on the head with it.

5. Simon will acknowledge the fact that other people own things- for example, "Dat's Ike's tiger!" Please note that such statements do not imply in any way that Simon will not expect to have use or possession of such objects, should he see someone else playing with them.

These rules and guidelines are subject to change at any time and without notice. Adults are encouraged to help Ike remember the Rules of Mine, as this should help avoid screaming, yelling, grabbing and/or pushing.

Thank you.


1 comment:

  1. I guess I don't have to ask what kind of dy you're having?
    You are simply the funniest writer out there. I love you!!!