I wasn't going to post anything this morning, especially a video, since I did that just last night, but this was too special not to share. I'm sure there are people out there who will go, "EEEEEWWWW! How can she DO that?!"- probably the same people who have issues with breastfeeding in general.

Or, you know, Salma Hayek's breasts being used for anything but their oogling pleasure. Asshats.

This, my friends, is my new heroine:

Uh...

The Simon, he likes the funny videos. He's been very into America's Funniest Videos lately, and in true little-boy fashion, he thinks that people falling over is hilarious. He's also big on babies getting startled (this may, in fact, be the funniest thing ON EARTH) and anything animals are doing.

He caught me watching this video the other day. We laughed- it's funny:




And then there were more videos of kids dancing, babies getting startled (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), and the occasional guy being a jackass. This was one of the videos:



Is this cute, or creepy? I have no problems with a little girl dancing around in a leotard (unitard? suchatard?), but if it was my kid, I'm not sure I'd want her emulating Beyonce. There are worse role models, to be sure, but she's the sexy lady, that one. She do the sexy dancing. I'm not saying this video's controversial or anything, but the whole thing kind of weirded me out.

What thinketh ye? Cute or creepy?

I Can't Brain Anymore. I Have The Dumb.

No one told me that when the doctors cut Simon out of me that they'd also be removing (or at least mangling) parts of my brain. I figured the damage was done at that point, but it seems that there was still work to be done with the next child, because I'm sure they helped themselves to another chunk of my cerebrum (and possibly cerebellum- doesn't that sound like a pretty flower? Cerebellum Odorificus) when Ike was born. I have lost my mind, folks, and I blame the doctors. It was a c-section lobotomy.

What other explanation is there? OK, yes, there's the lack of sleep. Sometimes an extreme lack of sleep. But this goes far, far beyond that, my friend- I've been sleep deprived before, and while it may have actually made me cry sometimes, I still remained reasonably sane.*

Now? Now I actually scare myself sometimes. Last week I got Simon's sippy cup (“Appajoos PWEEEEEASE, MOMMEEEE!”), opened the lid, got the apple juice out of the fridge- and poured it into my tea. There was also a time, not so very long ago, when we couldn't find the juice anywhere. AJ found it, bless him- it was in the cupboard next to the popcorn. Simon had just learned to open the fridge that week, and I think I convinced AJ that it was Simon who had put the juice in the cupboard. Oh, that silly little rascal! What a kid... heh, heh... ahem.

You know when you walk into a room and forget for a second why you're there? That happens to me 15 times a day, and it's not just for a second. Time ticks by as I stand there, staring off into space, wondering exactly what it was I needed from the bathroom. Possibly drooling, I don't know. Far too often I'll have to go back to the room I just left to try to jog my memory- if I can remember what room I just came from.

So OK, my memory sucks, but that's not all. Things that used to be little problems have escalated into major malfunctions, and it's embarrassing. I've never been graceful, but now I'm running into furniture, walls, pets and people on an alarmingly regular basis. The cats are pissed, I'll tell you that. I have little to no concept of where my limbs are on space at any given time. I'm pretty sure my arms aren't usually floating and waving about over my head (or are they? You'd tell me, right?) but it's also not like I'm thinking, 'you know, my ass and that table could totally occupy the same space! At the same TIME!' I just couldn't keep track of my ass is all.

I used to forget words occasionally and sometimes got stuck in the middle of a sentence; now I'll get half-way through expressing a thought and just trail off... those thought thingers are tough to hang on to these days. Slippery buggers, they be.

I could go on, but I'm actually afraid to. Also, I can't remember what I was going to say. Dangit.

So that's my theory, anyway- those nasty doctors snuck in a lobotomy (or two) when they were supposed to be birfin' mah bebbies. It's the most reasonable explanation, I think. Am contemplating lawsuit. Goodnight, folks.


*However, the baseline measurement for this wasn't exactly what you'd call normal. “Sane” is a relative term.

25 Things, Blogging, and Other Such Nonsense

If you're on facebook (and I'm going to assume you are- hell, my grandparents are on facebook), you've probably been tagged in and/or written a note called "25 Random facts," "25 things," or "24 More Things Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Me."*

I first got tagged to do this about a month ago; since then there hasn't been a day when at least one or two of my "friends" haven't posted their own lists.

Want to know why this thing is so popular? I'll tell you a secret: it's because people like to talk about themselves. Oh, there are exceptions to this out there, but they're probably not so much with the facebooking. Why? Do we really think that Other People are that interested in learning about the inner workings of our minds (or, God forbid, our bowels)? Maybe in the context of facebook, it makes some sense; our friends/family/acquaintences/that-guy-you-haven't-seen-since-5th-grade might be interested, if only because one of those 25 Things might make excellent blackmail material some day...

But then we have blogs. Blah-Blah-Blogs. Here we can spout any and all of the nonsense that runs through our brains, post it to the interwebs and allow all of humanity to bask in the glow of our genius. We can act all important-like and pretend people actually care what we're rambling on about today:

- Will He Do The Dishes Today, Or Let them Fester Until The KD Actually Rots Off, Hoping That the Penicillin-Like Growth will Kill Any And All Offending Bacteria?

-Will Her Husband Finally Pick Up his Damned Socks Off The bathroom Floor, Just This Once?

-Will The Tinfoil Codpiece Keep Aliens From Using Him As An Intergalactic Sperm Donor (Again)?**

I gave up blogging a (very) short while ago, partly because I wanted to make sure I wasn't just writing for some audience that I imaginated*** to make myself feel important, and partly because my depression left me feeling like I had nothing worthwhile to contribute to the 3 or 4 people who were actually reading what I wrote... But I missed it. I missed needing to use my brain for something other than figuring out how to get canola oil out of fleece sleepers. I missed the way I can express myself reasonably coherently in writing, even when it takes me three or four tries to finish a sentence out loud. And yes, I missed hearing, every once in a while, "You made me laugh."

Can I always be coherent? I doubt it. Can I always be funny? Absolutely not- some days it's hard enough just together to sentence proper a string. Honest? I'm going to try. I could do most of this in a private, paper-bound journal, but a couple of people have said they enjoyed my writing, and a complete stranger once asked me for advice based on an old blog entry- and she's now a long-distance friend. Do I need more reasons than that?

= = = = = = = = =

In the spirit of the aforementioned facebook notes, here are a few facts about me, both essential and random:

1. I've been married for 6 years to my best friend. We met in university, got married the christmas (ish) after he graduated, and have managed to love, laugh, and not kill each other ever since.
2. We have 2 kids- Simon (2005) and Ike (2008), both excellent vintages.
3. I'm lucky enough to be able to be a stay-at-home mom. It's the hardest job I've ever had, and the pay sucks, but the benefits are great, and no one has threatened to fire me- yet.
4. I have Capital-D Depression. It runs in my family, and I've accepted it for what it is. It's not fun, but it's under control right now.
5. I adore the colour green, but I'm picky about it. I vastly prefer apple green, sap green and grass green to evergreen-green, mint green and seafoam green.
6. I'm a terrible housekeeper. To tell the truth, I'm a lazy housekeeper. I keep the bathrooms clean, I put the garbage out regularly, but I tend to leave bread crumbs on the counter, and
7. (this deserves its own spot on the list) I HATE doing dishes. Repeat: HATE. Not quite as much as the aforementioned KD guy, but pretty close.
8. I have thoughts and opinions on controversial issues that I worry will make people think I'm either an idiot or something worse- but mostly I doubt that people care. Unless someone asks me what I think, I'm learning to hold back.
9. I try to keep an open mind- I don't think anyone is absolutely right about everything (maybe anything), and I think I can learn something from everyone I meet (whether I agree with him or not)
10. I'm trying to accept the use of the word "them" in the place of him/her, or "their" in place of his/hers, but it's not easy.
11. I used to be fairly smart, in a got-good-grades kind of way. I don't remember what that was like, really. These days I mostly feel slow and vaguely fuzzy- more on that
(and this blog's title) next time. Or some time.
12. While trying to type the word "title" in the above sentence, I typed "titte" and "titee"- and that is making me laugh a little inside. I said I used to be smart- I didn't claim to be mature.
13. I love my family- my husband and my boys, but also my parents, brother-et-al, grandparents, etc. etc. etc. Everyone from parents on in that list lives far away, and I miss them. I frequently thank God for phones and e-mail.
14. My husband, AJ, and I were apart for 6 months last year while he was away for work-related training. It was the hardest 6 months of my life, even though I was lucky enough to spend the time with the rest of my family.
15. I really, REALLY don't like Tiny Tim from "A Christmas Carol"
16. I eat when I'm not hungry, and I don't pay enough attention to nutrition. I know it's bad, but I haven't been able to change it- yet.

25 things? Yeah, right. Everything else can wait. The kids are in bed now (if not asleep), and I'm going to bed.


*Ok, I haven't seen this title on any, but boy, do I wish I had...

**Actually, I'd totally read that one.

*** It is now. Up yours, Dictionary.com!